The Most Dangerous Relationships – Three Signs
Posted: Wednesday, April 02, 2008
by e
Dhammabucha Rocksprings Meditation
When we fall in love, we are blinded from these three signs. This is Mother Nature's way of making sure that babies happen! After about two years, however, we regain our perspective, and these three signs begin to show up.
If you are very aware, you can notice them almost immediately even before a relationship goes past that point of no return. Then, there is a chance to save yourself from what may be, at best, an almost certain disappointment, and at worst, a tragedy.
The second sign is a lack of compassion. This comes across as an overly intense desire to control you by pleasing you, and perhaps your family, in a very charming way. This controlling mechanism comes across as flattery, at the time, but this can be turned around quickly when you are the one being controlled; you will no longer please a controller when the relationship becomes a little less interesting and normal to the controller. Simmering anger is a dead giveaway regarding controllers.
Lack of wisdom is the third sign. Wisdom is different from being smart or clever; wisdom sees things from a more lofty perspective. Being witty and making money easily is a sign of being clever, but working hard and steady, along with considering other's feelings is a sign of wisdom, regardless whether great sums of money are accumulated or not.
These three signs can forewarn us of not only psychological problems to come, but possible physical harm as well. This is why these signs should be taken seriously. The time to notice them is before one falls in love because once that happens, temporary insanity, along with temporary blindness, sets in. Look around at failed relationships in your immediate circle of relatives and friends. If you look into the details, more than likely you will find these three problems; a lack of discipline, a lack of compassion, and a lack of wisdom.
If you meet someone who is not controlling, who displays sincerity and kindness (toward everyone, not only you), rather than manipulation and anger, then the relationship will be very comfortable and loving. But be sure and look for signs of strong opinions and argumentative traits, because this is not sincere or kind. Also, watch out for over confidence and an attitude of superiority. If you do not feel that you are on the same level intellectually and emotionally as your partner, this could portend problems ahead, because one or the other may become dissatisfied and bored.
Sincere kindness and openness is what to look for. A willingness to not so much give in to your wants and needs, but a willingness to discus, rather than dictate. This is so important. "What would you like to do," instead of "Here's what we are going to do."
Insecure people are many times attracted to controlling people. If instead they were attracted to quiet, non-controlling people, then their self-esteem would be nurtured. With a controller, however, insecure people only dig themselves a deeper hole, and things more often than not go from bad to worse. For example when a controlling type person is put in a position where he or she can no longer control things, such as a court judgment involving children, then, if the need to control is manic, violence could result. A controller would rather commit murder-suicide than give in, knowing that he or she would still be in control of their entire family when they pull the trigger.
Control and manipulation are the most dangerous of the three signs, because when we are controlled and manipulated, things invariably go from bad, to extremely bad, in short order. Better to pass, when it comes to controlling type people, and wait for someone who truly has your interests at heart. A little patience and a little discernment up front will bring you untold benefits in the long run. This is very important, and you should think about these things.
Also, the danger inherent with controlling-type people is not limited to one-on-one relationships. Anyone, or any organization that tells you what you must believe in order to remain a member of that organization is dangerous as well. The danger lays in the cult-like mentality that results when people are restricted from thinking for themselves. America believes in freedom, and this freedom must be . . . free, and not dependent upon the ideas of some controlling group. At the first sign of control, make your exit. You will be much happier in the long run.
And if you cannot find a relationship that is disciplined, compassionate, and wise, and not controlling; better to remain alone.
E. Raymond Rock of Fort Myers, Florida is cofounder and principal teacher at the Southwest Florida Insight Center, http://www.SouthwestFloridaInsightCenter.com His twenty-nine years of meditation experience has taken him across four continents, including two stopovers in Thailand where he practiced in the remote northeast forests as an ordained Theravada Buddhist monk. His book, A Year to Enlightenment (Career Press/New Page Books) is now available at major bookstores and online retailers. Visit http://www.AYearToEnlightenment.com
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More commentsSorry, I forgot to sign in properly. Marty RicKardHi Marty, Thanks for the great rating. Argumentative: arguing, contentious, disputatious, disputative, litigious, quarrelsome! It's okay to have opinions after we have considered other opinions with an open mind, but if instead we insist that we are right without considering other opinions, then there is not that sensitivity that develops by truly understanding the other side, and instead we develop hatred and aversion. All problems, when considered carefully, reveal many sides and perspectives. Usually a keen investigation into a problem will disclose that there is at least a little bit of truth in all opinions, and a middle way somewhere between them is usually the correct course. A controlling person will not consider other opinions, because of conceit and arrogance. It's kind of "their way or the highway!" But in a new relationship, this side will be cleverly concealed. This is where caution must be taken. Best..........e
Dear E. Raymond~ I want to send a huge thank-you for this article. I have a very dear friend who was very recently involved with a man I considered extremely dangerous. From the very first moment I met him, I knew he was going to be big trouble. Call it intuition. Call it a 6th sense. Call it what you will. I could FEEL this man's energy when I shook his hand the very first time. I tried to gently warn her to pay attention to what he was doing, but at that time she was hearing none of it. It took 2 years and her losing EVERYTHING to this manipulating and very controlling man. At last she has left him and now deals with the fear that he will 'come after her'. Yesterday, when she visited the site to read my article (which, at the moment, is right next to yours on the front page), she saw your article and read it. She then phoned me to congratulate me on my 'front page' status and to tell me she'd read your article. It, apparently, touched her deeply. So, I write this to you now in deepest gratitude. Sometimes it is those we DON'T know who have the greatest affect on those we do. Blessings, Sir! CamilleThank you so much Camille. We write and teach hoping that someone will be helped along the way. Otherwise, our efforts are in vain. Be well……….e
Dear E. Raymond: I got you now, but you might want to check your spelling on augmentative. Best, Marty RicKardOops! Thanks Marty. e the great writer, ay!
hi e, thanks for a well thought out, well written article on personality traits i have known throughout my life, hence, i understood your article first hand. i still believe there should be laws on the length of engagements, along with mandatory courses in getting along before marriage, instead of the laws not allowing one to let go of unseemly characters that negatively affect their "family" it seems a little backwards that one can marry after getting a blood test, but must go through thousands of dollars, and a great deal of stress getting away from that person. thanks for sharing with us, best regards, sueThanks Sue, I hope things are going well for you now. Anicca, anatta, dukkha...........e.
hi e, things are not going well yet, hopefully in a few months. now, don't leave me hanging. honor me with the meaning anicca, anatta, dukkha?All that exists in the universe is subject to three characteristics: •anicca. Everything is limited to a certain duration and, consequently, liable to disappear. •dukkha. Everything is unsatisfactory. There is nothing that can be relied upon, there is nothing that can bring true happiness. •anatta. Everything is deprived of a self. There is no self-inherent entity, nothing that can be controlled. Even if we forget this when we are immersed into one moment of pleasure, each of us is aware that existence is filled with sufferings, worries, dissatisfactions of all kinds, and that these never stop. This characteristic (dukkha) which is obvious, is described in all schools of thought, in all religious systems. The notion of impermanence (anicca) is less obvious. Nevertheless, it is also often described in religious and philosophical systems. As to the characteristic of absence of a self (anatta), this is a completely new concept about which only Buddha talks. It is by far the subtlest and most essential point of all knowledge. It is the foundation of any understanding of the dhamma. (From dhammadana.org) “When it’s Best to Live Alone” is one of many of my articles that touch on these. Best.........e
thanks e, very interesting i shall ponder, my best, sue
Hi friend. Very well said. I agree that when making up our own mind, we should consider others feelings. Not listening tells the other person you don't really care about them and that you only care about yourself. There is definetly a difference between controlling and opinionated. I hope this encourages many to watch for the signs and move on even if the attraction is strong. Blessings to you! Have a fabulous weekend! TeresaHi Teresa. Thanks for reading my articles. That is very kind. Your friend.........e
I love reading your articles, it's great insight. I may not ever change my mind after considering certain things, but not changing my mind doesn't make me a close-minded person. :-) This article reminded me a bit of the one I wrote about Unconditional love and growing old together. Obviously from a different view point :-):-) :-) :-) :-) .........e
Very good article, Raymond, but all your articles are good. They say hind sight is 20/20 and I know that's true. They also say third time is charm. That is also true (at least for me). I'm on my third marriage and finally--for the best! SEGThank you so much, Sandra! But I heard the fifth is really something! (lol!) Best………….e
e, I wish that I had read this article about a year ago. I have a dear friend who got married back then and this is the exact description of her new husband. Of course, back then we were mostly only seeing the charming side. We are trying to walk her out of the relationship before she is completely destroyed, but she can not find her self esteem enough to stop trying to please him. It is very painful to watch...Hi Jean, I know, it is so difficult to help our friends when they are caught up in a destructive relationship. About all we can do is be there to catch them, and hope that it doesn't become violent. That's the thing to avoid at all costs. Thanks for the great rating, Jean............e
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